For many years I was unable to call what happened to me rape. I would say I was taken advantage of. That felt more comfortable, more true. A rape I always assumed was violent at its core, bruises, pulled hair, and scars. Physical manifestations, not emotional ones. When I began to come to terms with the emotional bruises and scars, I became more able to call it rape.
It is when I became fully compassionate and forgiving that I came to call it rape more often than 'taken advantage of'. It may seem contradictory, to come to call an action rape through compassion. But it hasn't been for me. It is the naming of an action, it is the naming of the effects it had on me. It made me, and still does to an extent, feel unsafe, unloveable, and worthless in romantic encounters. It took me, a person that in most senses is truly happy and proud of the person I am becoming, forgiving of the misfaults, and enjoying the journey with few regrets- into an insecure, worthless feeling being. This is the key, in romantic situations it permeated my essence, mistakes I made or actions I made were not instances but considered my whole essence. This made me not full of regret or guilt, but of shame about who I was. These were my reaction to an action taken upon my body, and ultimately my soul.
Rape is an inherently violent act, emotionally, physically, mentally- but it affects both people, rather than just one. The perpetrator of rape, has done a violent act, but is not a bad person. When I truly understood and had compassion for their humanity, I found my own. I've been raped twice, and the only thing that they truly have in common, is my perpetrators pain. Both men, were in pain, either immediate or in general. Marginalized by the world, with lack of resources, control and power- something as men they were told they should have. But that wasn't their only pain, they too were in emotional pain.
They too were in pain.
They passed some of that pain to me. I'm not angry though, at this point I don't even know if I regret it. It's been a painful 5 years, but the clarity, the peace, and the love I feel now, I want to feel and I'm not sure I would have ever gotten here without the trauma. I am angry though, I suppose saying I'm not is a lie, I'm just not angry at them, the way the world tells me to be. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry that we blame victims of systemic and emotional violence, for their violent actions. This is not to say I excuse their behavior, I do not excuse my own. I do however, find it important to acknowledge their journey AND action rather than focusing on just one. Understanding, not acceptance or approval. I think truly, we are all just humans, trying to live our life the best way we know how- some of us have the skills to do better than others. I know even with all the blessed stability I have experienced in my life, in times of pain and suffering I have hurt people, and I wish I hadn't. But at the end of the day, we are all on a journey and hopefully we meet people along the way that can help us. I know I have- people, who do both good and bad things and at the end of the day are just people on their own journey.
