Love and Other Drugs

I spent this movie crying, almost balling- but well it would have been embarrassing. So instead I stifled my sniffles, and after I left, my sadness turned to anger (as with most things in my life).

The plot (spoiler alert): Maggie has Parkinson's at 26 ( a life long progressively debilitating disease). The dude (idk his name) is a selfish prick who falls in love with her because she is independent and caring. She refuses to open up for a long time, then she finally does at about the time he realizes he doesn't want to be with a sick girl. So he leaves, not on his own cuz he's a pussy rather she makes him because its clear he isn't ready. And after sleeping with some girls it dawns on him he loves her and he doesn't care if she is sick. So he begs her to get back with him, by talking about how much he needs her, and she says "I'll need you more, I can't ask you to do that".

I'm disabled. I'm also a pretty secure person with a healthy habit of self reflection and self esteem. But I am terrified of being left because I'm sick. It's an illogical fear really. I need someone to be strong when I'm weak. I'll need someone to take care of me when I can't. I need someone to love me beyond my body. It's really a blessing when you think about it. My disease it gets rid of the riff raff, it gets rid of the weak, it makes me stronger, it makes my friends closer. But it still hurts. It hurts in particular that I live in a society that thinks its socially acceptable to leave the sick, the injured, the dispossessed for someone else who 'works'. I've lost people before and I will lose them again. It will hurt and I will mourn. They have lots of other great qualities, they will have other great qualities. Their inability to deal with illness, is either familial or cultural. They mostly won't come around, the way he did in the movie. Who knew an illness that had nothing to do with death would cause so much mourning?

Activism and Love

Activism
I've been reflecting lately on what it means to be Active in Fort Collins Colorado. I often find myself uninterested in the kind of change done here. The focus here is sooo much on educating white people. It often isn't about skill building or community building for marginalized communities. This is so uninteresting to me. I have no desire to fight with White folks, quite frankly I think someone should do it, but I think its a waste of my time.

For whatever reason this means that I am 'unactive' here. I feel as if I'm folding into myself and becoming self absorbed. Its strange though, the more I focus on me the less mean and aggressive I become to others. I never would have thought my illness would teach me that, but it has. I'm not as angry at white folks, more saddened by them. I'm not as angry at the world, or even Mitt Romney. I find sadness or humor in it all. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry just not as angry.

My disease is mixing in a weird way with my activism, with my being. I thought before that my anger motivated me. I am beginning to realize my passion, my type A personality, and my need for change are what push me forward. My relationships are how I find my sanity, my love, and my meaning.

I have been having a relapse for almost two months, and I'm sad. Its as if I can't get a grip on this disease, constantly changing in how it acts, constantly changing in how I feel. What it reminds me of, each and every time I feel like I can't go on, is that I have an amazing support network. They pick me up when I fall down. They sit with me while I cry.

They are how I want to be active. I believe in intra-personal change and systemic change. But most of all I believe in change through love. I believe in giving yourself to others and to causes. I believe it is worth supporting each other through what they feel is important. I'm starting to believe its time to be more positive, loving, and patient instead of brash, angry, and demanding.

I'm going to try to change. The first step at least is to try.