Activism and Love

Activism
I've been reflecting lately on what it means to be Active in Fort Collins Colorado. I often find myself uninterested in the kind of change done here. The focus here is sooo much on educating white people. It often isn't about skill building or community building for marginalized communities. This is so uninteresting to me. I have no desire to fight with White folks, quite frankly I think someone should do it, but I think its a waste of my time.

For whatever reason this means that I am 'unactive' here. I feel as if I'm folding into myself and becoming self absorbed. Its strange though, the more I focus on me the less mean and aggressive I become to others. I never would have thought my illness would teach me that, but it has. I'm not as angry at white folks, more saddened by them. I'm not as angry at the world, or even Mitt Romney. I find sadness or humor in it all. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry just not as angry.

My disease is mixing in a weird way with my activism, with my being. I thought before that my anger motivated me. I am beginning to realize my passion, my type A personality, and my need for change are what push me forward. My relationships are how I find my sanity, my love, and my meaning.

I have been having a relapse for almost two months, and I'm sad. Its as if I can't get a grip on this disease, constantly changing in how it acts, constantly changing in how I feel. What it reminds me of, each and every time I feel like I can't go on, is that I have an amazing support network. They pick me up when I fall down. They sit with me while I cry.

They are how I want to be active. I believe in intra-personal change and systemic change. But most of all I believe in change through love. I believe in giving yourself to others and to causes. I believe it is worth supporting each other through what they feel is important. I'm starting to believe its time to be more positive, loving, and patient instead of brash, angry, and demanding.

I'm going to try to change. The first step at least is to try.