Being Humble, Being Prideful, Finding Balance.

So lately I have been reflecting on Pride and Humbleness. At times I have struggled with low self esteem and at others in my life I have been an egotistical maniac. Both are pretty problematic to me. But one particular situation brings out the egotistical maniac in me, this situation is one I really want to reflect on.

This situation is a recurring one in my life, the situation when you get talked down too, opposed, or essentially made to look dumb. Most recently, this happened to me in my Anthropology class. I'm not sure if it is my personal history, with trying to express that what people were saying was wrong, racist, sexist, etc. But when people speak down to me, assume I have less knowledge than them or in anyway really attempt to oppress me. I flip my shit. I think thats natural, to rebel in some way to being oppressed. It's not this rebellion that I challenge, rather it is the NEED the DESIRE to essentially destroy them that I find problematic in myself.

When someone attempts to speak down, or assume a higher level of knowledge I feel the need to destroy them, because I feel hurt and I think YOU can't say that to me. This though process feels so prideful, arrogant and egotistical. I use my intelligence and experiences to 'prove' to them they have no right, to speak down to me.

Intellectually I think this is a pretty American idea, its asserting my competence my leadership and superiority. In my heart I know its just nasty. First, why would it matter if I was smarter? Went to a better school? Had more work experience? That sort of thinking is the antithesis of everything I work for in my life. I spend day in and day out trying to explain, that we all bring knowledge in unique ways to the spaces we are in, and it is wrong and an injustice to assume you know more about 'what to do' than someone else.

I really have no conclusions for this whole thread of thoughts. But I definitely need to work on what it means to be humble and have respect, EVEN if that means letting someone disrespect me. I think its probably all about finding that compassion for others in their journey. Although I still think that addressing their actions as harmful is important, I want to move on in my own personal life to attempt to take the high road, and not put them down, in order to feel better about myself.