Today is my second day on Copaxone. I'm afraid of needles, but they have a nifty little thing called the autoject, that hides the needles from me. I didn't believe them when they said you don't feel the needle go in, but its true you don't feel it. You do however feel the intense burning sensation from the medicine for about 15-20 minutes, and I have about a 2inch welt for about 15 hours after the injection that is hot to the touch. Other than that though, I do not have any other side effects like the itching, and hopefully I wont get any of the panic attacks or weight gain either.
I was thinking this morning on my way to work, I have never done ANYTHING for more than maybe a month everyday. This medicine is a life long commitment, everyday for the rest of my life, I can't even really comprehend that. I'm so forgetful and I hope that I can be consistent and take it everyday! Interestingly, as I was walking to work I saw a blind woman, crossing the road. I have lived my life as an able bodied person, and inherently no matter how hard I have tried, I have always "felt bad" or wanted to "avoid" the disabled on one level or another. So today when I saw the blind woman, I watched to make sure she crossed the street okay, and for the first time did not feel these feelings. Rather I thought about how one day I could also be partially blind. I wondered where she was going and if I would have the strength to one day also walk places even if I could not see.
Which led me to thinking once again how absolutely fascinating this disease is. It is not like I can focus on preparing myself for some inevitable level of disability, or even a certain type of disability. This disease actually has the ability to blind me, make me lose my balance, make me numb, make me feel constant pain or tingling etc etc. We have 5 senses touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste. My disease can screw with ALL of them. On top of that it can mess with memory. Utterly depressing, and hard to prepare for... to say the least.
The week I found out I 'may' have MS, was one of the hardest weeks of my life. For the first time, I had to truly recognize that my interaction, my dreams, my hopes, where going to be limited by my own body. At least that is how I felt, and it was devastating. Truly though, I won't be limited by my body, but rather a society that does not make space for a body such as mine. This isn't to much of a surprise considering it doesn't make much space for anyone but white men....
I was always interested in abelism, and now I will really have to start taking it up as something to bring into awareness, and to make sure if we ever reach some sort of equality, that it is truly for all of us, not just some of us.
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