Journey to Self Improvement

I have often reflected on the statement, you must love yourself, I have always found it hard to comprehend. It wasn't hard to understand because I felt unworthy of love and had low self esteem, although after the rapes I did struggle with these feelings. It was on a more intellectual level that I found myself unable to understand, and comprehend what that would look like. I felt like I had many faults, undeserving of unconditional love, traits that need not be rewarded. There are so many things about myself I want to change and improve. In Oakland, people talked a lot about self improvement, I always thought it was kind of lame. In any event I had an aversion to it. But when I moved to Fort Collins I started to want to improve myself, to become the person I wanted to be.

I began with some reflection around my rapes. Trying to understand the emotional scars I had been left with. I then moved on to what I wanted to improve. I chose to focus on gratefulness as well as taking emotional risks. In general I felt like I wasn't thankful enough for the amazing friends, family, and life I have. At the same time, I don't take the risks necessary to fully connect with those I love. I tell everyone everything, but I rarely express how much it hurts. I rationalize and compartmentalize until I can intellectually understand the roots of my problems, but I rarely let myself feel them. When I see an impending situation that may hurt me, that I may not be able to control, I cut and run. This type of behavior prevents pain, but it also probably prevents happiness. I don't mean to say I am unhappy, in fact most days I'm happy most of the time. Yet there is something I think to emotional happiness, one that maybe feels different. Maybe not, but I'm going to try and find out.

The next chapter of my self development, came with my reading group. We decided to do weekly challenges, the first gratefulness- which I was already practicing, and the second awareness around our judgements. This second one has been intense for me. It has allowed myself insight into my being in a way that I have not previously had. I have learned that when I experience anger from my judgements, when I am drawn into a fight or desiring a fight. I have intense physical reactions, heat changes, and tensing. I learned that this particular reaction is caused from the judgements I make that when I examine them I find that they are about things that make me feel fear, shame, regret, and loss. Maybe it is my own desire to protect myself, that creates such a strong emotional and physical reaction. I also learned that when I judge and experience frustration rather than anger, my physical reaction is one of flight or dissonance, separatedness- These judgements are brought on when I have an intellectual disagreement with my judgements. When I am moved to inaction or freezing, it is often because I am judging myself, rendering myself incapable of letting go and having fun. Lastly, I connect judgement and compassion. There are times I discovered that I would express a 'fact' or statement about someone and others would interpret it as judgemental, but I recognized no feelings of judgement in my body. These I have come to realize are because very early on in my life I had to reconcile bad behavior with good people. Hatred and Love. Fear and Love. etc. Reconciling the fact that people I loved had done horrible things, allowed me from a young age to separate action from person. So my statements are not without a desire for improvements, but rather just said from an understanding that we are all on a journey... discovering our ways as we go.

I look forward to continuing my journey of self discovery and improvement, and encourage you to do it too. PS for a later blog, I have been reading a pretty racist anthropological book called the "Ecological Indian" I would like to put more intellectual thought into judgement's role in oppression and insecurity- I think they are linked.