I am thankful I am a woman. Being a woman is intricately tied to the socialization of women. I'm not overly thankful I have breasts, or that they get objectified. But I am thankful that my gender is socialized to connect. Although I think there have historically, at least within the American context been negatives to the way women are conditioned to put relationships and others above their own happiness, health, and security. I think the basic focus of relationships, connection, and intimacy that women are conditioned to experience with frequency is at its base a good thing. It is these relationships, these networks of support that keep me sane. I have been thinking about vulnerability, for several months, maybe almost half a year, ever since I heard Rene Brown's Ted Talk. I struggled because I felt, I didn't practice vulnerability. But now 6 months later I look back and realize I always have. But I practice it only when I feel safe. I practice it with family, friends, and strangers but I don't practice it with partners. The family and friends I know won't leave me, the strangers, well I just don't care, and the partners I am terrified they will leave me. So I don't open up to people unless I know there is no real risk. Which was difficult for me to reconcile because largely vulnerability is associated with taking risk, showing your full self. I have come to understand that people find that scary, but I never have found it all that scary with family, friends, or strangers. I mean family, they're stuck with you, mine as well be honest right? Friends, if they leave you when you are being vulnerable it hurts, but damn....it makes them the asshole, and not worth your investment. Strangers, seriously who cares?
These realities have come to me in age. Everyday I feel like I am learning about myself more and more. I love it. I love getting older. I feel more content, more satisfied, more knowledgeable each and everyday. And what I really love? Is that the creator has sent me amazing friends, who are learning lessons with me. I have found almost every time I go through anything, one of my friends is learning the same lesson at the same time, or shortly after or shortly before. It is our connection, our relationship that helps us to talk through these lessons and learn ions more about ourselves and the world, than if we were to go it alone, to try to decipher the creators lessons by ourselves. It is this aspect of relationships though that I really love. Advice giving and seeking. Not only do I find a wide variety of advice useful in making my decisions. But I have discovered over the years that we often, give advice to ourselves, rather than to others. By this I mean, that if you listen to the advice people give you, you learn about them. You learn their stories, their struggles, their loves. I have learned more about my friends and family from the advice they give me than anything else. I have learned to love them through this process too. And beyond this, I've learned more about myself. I've learned what I fear and what I love.
It is understanding this, understanding my friends, and understanding myself that I have really come to want to lead an intentional life. For many years I felt as if I was moved a swayed like a rag doll, into other peoples passions and loves, I reacted to peoples pain, fear, love, happiness you name it. It has been a journey to work on myself, to become the person I want to be. This I feel will lead me to intentionality. To move beyond reaction. I struggle though now with becoming intentional but not rigid. To remain flexible, aware, and present in the world, but not reactive to it. I love this journey, and I'm thankful to all those that are on it with me, because with out you, it would be meaningless.
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