The Loneliness Challenge Day 3- Emo City

I spent very little time alone yesterday but I did have one noteworthy reflection. Much of my obsession, comes from a desire to change the past and prepare as best one can for the future. I'm not such a future centered person that I don't live my life right now, actually out of a fear that my future may not even exist, I try very hard to be alive right now, happy right now. It was through this, this happy right now realization that I realized I need to worry about the future a little less. Sometimes I get stuck planning things, I need to do this this and this by this age...and this this and this by that age. My only real hope in life is to be happy, and that I already am most of the time. Despite adversity, loss, challenge, failure, despite all those 'negative' things I spend the majority of my life happy. If thats the goal, who gives a fuck what happens? Who cares if it works out the way I'm told it should, or even if it works out the way my 26 (lacking in wisdom) self wants it to? I didn't want to get MS, but I'm glad I did, I think it actually created a change in the way I live my life, that ultimately makes me healthier and happier. So if thats true, who cares what happens as long as I maintain friendships, support, and connections with people? With those I'll always be happy. - So in any event, that was a nice realization. I think though, it will still be awhile until I really believe it.

Today I spent most of the day reflecting on why I'm afraid to be alone. It basically comes down to my inability to be present, this skill I really want to develop. So far I have been whispering it to myself, reminding myself, hundreds of times a day but I am certainly not there yet. Practice makes perfect, and patient makes a reality. So I'll have to wait on this one and keep it up past this week. Hopefully someday tho....

But back to my fear. I just feel trapped in my traumas. I think maybe I need to deal with them, maybe I need to go to counseling. I'm not sure. I do know that when I am alone, I become consumed with insecurities, mostly centering about the challenges I have had in my life. I spend a lot of time wishing I hadn't experienced them. I think this must be linked to my childhood. When I was a child, I constantly wished my family was 'normal'. I thought normal was the families I saw on T.V, the constantly doting mother, the calm, assertive, emotionally distant father, nice grandparents, nice aunts and uncles. No one, and especially not my mother doted on me. My father was emotionally volatile, aggressive, and sensitive, my mother was emotionally volatile, aggressive, and rigid. My grandparents, well were a lot of things, and very different things on both sides of my family, but nice, well that doesn't cover the depth or complexity of the relationships. Same for aunts and uncles. But beyond all this, the people on T.V never seemed to deal with real hardship, and many of my friends, well they didn't either. (although the people i was close with, lets just say they were equally fucked up- or worse). The sexual, physical, verbal abuse I have seen and experienced, the substance and alcohol abuse I have seen destroy and challenge my relationships and others, the disease that has forever altered my body, mind, and spirit. All of it I constantly wish hadn't happened, because I think maybe it would be easier, simpler to connect and talk with people.

I struggle, with thoughts that say you are too much. Its a perverted twist on the low self esteem version, of you are not enough. I watch Brene Brown Ted Talks a lot, which I mention a lot too, lol. In any event at one point she says people need to tell themselves they are enough. Well, I don't doubt I'm enough, I just think I'm too much. People really have to want to be my friend or lover. They'll have to deal with a lot. And when I'm alone, I get insecure, because I think I shouldn't ask people, shouldn't expect people to deal with so much. I need to be able to change, be better, be healthier, so I won't have to ask for so much help, and people won't have to give me so much support. When I'm alone, I'm haunted by this feeling.

I think, this is because although I recognize I have been through a lot, I shouldn't have been so effected by it because I have seen people go through much worse. It might also have to do with when I complained about my life as a child, my parents told me 'You don't even know pain, quit bitching'. And maybe thats why or maybe its not why I constantly think I should be stronger, I should be more resilient, my pasat shouldn't effect my relationships and friendships the way it does. But it does and it makes me feel ashamed, insecure, and desperately weak and sad. These feelings I hate, and well I only have them when I'm alone. So to avoid those feelings, I plan, call, text, and it even encourages my spontaneity (anything not to be alone).

Intense.... haha my blog has turned into emoRachel story time. The old angry Rachel would be so ashamed. Thats the other thing. Part of this has been brought on by grad school- I just feel like I spend A LOT of time alone as a grad student, so when I can cut down on the time alone I do. When I was a working gal, I actually cherished the time alone. I cherished going to the gym alone eve for awhile at least. I liked staying home alone and chilling the fuck out. Because I felt like I was always away from home, always doing things, so it was nice to sit at home alone occasionally. But this whole grad school shit, well I'm alone all damn day it feels like. Secondly, I've just been in an emotional place basically since I got MS. There is something about getting a disease that forever alters your imagination of your future. I no longer have any idea what my future will look like, or how my body will function in it. Part of knowing this, makes me insecure and it adds insult to injury I guess. I have always wanted to be strong, and many consider me as such. But it was my identity to be strong, strong spirited, strong headed, strong presence (you know the intimidating person) etc. But to me, MS is and was WEAKNESS. The opposite of who I thought I was. I think I still struggle with this. I still consider it weakness. I'll have to ask for help, I'll need help- and in fact I already often do. And even shit like the fact its hard for me to stay out till 2am now a days. I certainly can't do it with regularity- that makes me feel old, weak, and undesireable (as a friend, lover you name it) Who wants to travel or party with someone who needs to rest a lot?, who has to be vigilant about their breaks and rest?, who gets dizzy and can't see straight when their hot?, who needs to sleep 9 hours?. Like fuck. That sucks. And it makes me feel insecure, because a friendship with me is asking too much of someone, especially of someone young, i mean who wants to hang out with a bummer? So anyway. It's the MS I think that makes me overly emotional and pensive about EVERYTHING past, present, and future in my life.

But just like the 12 steps that they make alcoholics do. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I have MS, I'm traumatized, overly emotional for like the last two years, and struggling with it everyday. But i'm working on being okay. being present. being here. So here it goes. Someday I'll be okay with being alone, I'll be able to be like Tanaya and not be lonely when alone. Maybe someday I'll be able to make it a productive space like her too, rather than an emo sad place.

The Loneliness Challenge Day 1

Okay so I took a hiatus from my reading group...and I miss it like Woah. I just really enjoyed the group, the readings, and the weekly challenges. The weekly challenges though I have decided to continue with the great TanayaFuckingWinder. So we debated and debated about our challenge, but we settled on pushing our boundaries. For me, this meant being comfortable with and sitting with .... well myself and only myself. For Tanaya this meant the exact opposite... the end of hermitdom.

So this means that when Tanaya walks places she calls someone. For me it means I don't. For her it means coffee dates, dinner dates, and weekend plans. For me it means utter loneliness.. :P

Well at least thats what I imagined it to mean. So far I have two reflections....

One. My phone battery lasts WAAAAAAY longer. Thats a plus in my book, especially since I currently don't have a working phone charger.

Two. I want to learn to be more present. Even in my short little venture into loneliness...well I actually spent very little time alone, because I had a crazy busy day. But even through the busy day, I transitioned many times, and when normally I would pick up the phone, I opted not too and just sat with myself. It was in these moments, I thought this is nice being present. But I wasn't totally successful in fact at one point I was driving to my board meeting, thinking this is great learning to be present this is something I want more of in my life. I was thinking so hard about being present, I drove right past my turn, not just a little, but almost all the way into LaPorte. It was definitely my first lesson, teaching me that being present, also means not being consumed by your thoughts. It means being in the now. Focusing on what you are doing right then. I'm definitely going to be practicing this. I feel like i'm almost always present as a friend...I'm with you when I'm with you. It probably is about time that I started being with myself, when I'm with myself. Not to mention that I think this being present practice will probably also help with my slight problem...called obsession. I obsess about everything, re live, re imagine EVERYTHING. Being present being in the now, letting the past slip away and the future be, will help me stop obsessing. I hope at least.

Women, Wisdom, and Work

I am thankful I am a woman. Being a woman is intricately tied to the socialization of women. I'm not overly thankful I have breasts, or that they get objectified. But I am thankful that my gender is socialized to connect. Although I think there have historically, at least within the American context been negatives to the way women are conditioned to put relationships and others above their own happiness, health, and security. I think the basic focus of relationships, connection, and intimacy that women are conditioned to experience with frequency is at its base a good thing. It is these relationships, these networks of support that keep me sane. I have been thinking about vulnerability, for several months, maybe almost half a year, ever since I heard Rene Brown's Ted Talk. I struggled because I felt, I didn't practice vulnerability. But now 6 months later I look back and realize I always have. But I practice it only when I feel safe. I practice it with family, friends, and strangers but I don't practice it with partners. The family and friends I know won't leave me, the strangers, well I just don't care, and the partners I am terrified they will leave me. So I don't open up to people unless I know there is no real risk. Which was difficult for me to reconcile because largely vulnerability is associated with taking risk, showing your full self. I have come to understand that people find that scary, but I never have found it all that scary with family, friends, or strangers. I mean family, they're stuck with you, mine as well be honest right? Friends, if they leave you when you are being vulnerable it hurts, but damn....it makes them the asshole, and not worth your investment. Strangers, seriously who cares?

These realities have come to me in age. Everyday I feel like I am learning about myself more and more. I love it. I love getting older. I feel more content, more satisfied, more knowledgeable each and everyday. And what I really love? Is that the creator has sent me amazing friends, who are learning lessons with me. I have found almost every time I go through anything, one of my friends is learning the same lesson at the same time, or shortly after or shortly before. It is our connection, our relationship that helps us to talk through these lessons and learn ions more about ourselves and the world, than if we were to go it alone, to try to decipher the creators lessons by ourselves. It is this aspect of relationships though that I really love. Advice giving and seeking. Not only do I find a wide variety of advice useful in making my decisions. But I have discovered over the years that we often, give advice to ourselves, rather than to others. By this I mean, that if you listen to the advice people give you, you learn about them. You learn their stories, their struggles, their loves. I have learned more about my friends and family from the advice they give me than anything else. I have learned to love them through this process too. And beyond this, I've learned more about myself. I've learned what I fear and what I love.

It is understanding this, understanding my friends, and understanding myself that I have really come to want to lead an intentional life. For many years I felt as if I was moved a swayed like a rag doll, into other peoples passions and loves, I reacted to peoples pain, fear, love, happiness you name it. It has been a journey to work on myself, to become the person I want to be. This I feel will lead me to intentionality. To move beyond reaction. I struggle though now with becoming intentional but not rigid. To remain flexible, aware, and present in the world, but not reactive to it. I love this journey, and I'm thankful to all those that are on it with me, because with out you, it would be meaningless.