Being Humble, Being Prideful, Finding Balance.

So lately I have been reflecting on Pride and Humbleness. At times I have struggled with low self esteem and at others in my life I have been an egotistical maniac. Both are pretty problematic to me. But one particular situation brings out the egotistical maniac in me, this situation is one I really want to reflect on.

This situation is a recurring one in my life, the situation when you get talked down too, opposed, or essentially made to look dumb. Most recently, this happened to me in my Anthropology class. I'm not sure if it is my personal history, with trying to express that what people were saying was wrong, racist, sexist, etc. But when people speak down to me, assume I have less knowledge than them or in anyway really attempt to oppress me. I flip my shit. I think thats natural, to rebel in some way to being oppressed. It's not this rebellion that I challenge, rather it is the NEED the DESIRE to essentially destroy them that I find problematic in myself.

When someone attempts to speak down, or assume a higher level of knowledge I feel the need to destroy them, because I feel hurt and I think YOU can't say that to me. This though process feels so prideful, arrogant and egotistical. I use my intelligence and experiences to 'prove' to them they have no right, to speak down to me.

Intellectually I think this is a pretty American idea, its asserting my competence my leadership and superiority. In my heart I know its just nasty. First, why would it matter if I was smarter? Went to a better school? Had more work experience? That sort of thinking is the antithesis of everything I work for in my life. I spend day in and day out trying to explain, that we all bring knowledge in unique ways to the spaces we are in, and it is wrong and an injustice to assume you know more about 'what to do' than someone else.

I really have no conclusions for this whole thread of thoughts. But I definitely need to work on what it means to be humble and have respect, EVEN if that means letting someone disrespect me. I think its probably all about finding that compassion for others in their journey. Although I still think that addressing their actions as harmful is important, I want to move on in my own personal life to attempt to take the high road, and not put them down, in order to feel better about myself.

The Loneliness Challenge Day 3- Emo City

I spent very little time alone yesterday but I did have one noteworthy reflection. Much of my obsession, comes from a desire to change the past and prepare as best one can for the future. I'm not such a future centered person that I don't live my life right now, actually out of a fear that my future may not even exist, I try very hard to be alive right now, happy right now. It was through this, this happy right now realization that I realized I need to worry about the future a little less. Sometimes I get stuck planning things, I need to do this this and this by this age...and this this and this by that age. My only real hope in life is to be happy, and that I already am most of the time. Despite adversity, loss, challenge, failure, despite all those 'negative' things I spend the majority of my life happy. If thats the goal, who gives a fuck what happens? Who cares if it works out the way I'm told it should, or even if it works out the way my 26 (lacking in wisdom) self wants it to? I didn't want to get MS, but I'm glad I did, I think it actually created a change in the way I live my life, that ultimately makes me healthier and happier. So if thats true, who cares what happens as long as I maintain friendships, support, and connections with people? With those I'll always be happy. - So in any event, that was a nice realization. I think though, it will still be awhile until I really believe it.

Today I spent most of the day reflecting on why I'm afraid to be alone. It basically comes down to my inability to be present, this skill I really want to develop. So far I have been whispering it to myself, reminding myself, hundreds of times a day but I am certainly not there yet. Practice makes perfect, and patient makes a reality. So I'll have to wait on this one and keep it up past this week. Hopefully someday tho....

But back to my fear. I just feel trapped in my traumas. I think maybe I need to deal with them, maybe I need to go to counseling. I'm not sure. I do know that when I am alone, I become consumed with insecurities, mostly centering about the challenges I have had in my life. I spend a lot of time wishing I hadn't experienced them. I think this must be linked to my childhood. When I was a child, I constantly wished my family was 'normal'. I thought normal was the families I saw on T.V, the constantly doting mother, the calm, assertive, emotionally distant father, nice grandparents, nice aunts and uncles. No one, and especially not my mother doted on me. My father was emotionally volatile, aggressive, and sensitive, my mother was emotionally volatile, aggressive, and rigid. My grandparents, well were a lot of things, and very different things on both sides of my family, but nice, well that doesn't cover the depth or complexity of the relationships. Same for aunts and uncles. But beyond all this, the people on T.V never seemed to deal with real hardship, and many of my friends, well they didn't either. (although the people i was close with, lets just say they were equally fucked up- or worse). The sexual, physical, verbal abuse I have seen and experienced, the substance and alcohol abuse I have seen destroy and challenge my relationships and others, the disease that has forever altered my body, mind, and spirit. All of it I constantly wish hadn't happened, because I think maybe it would be easier, simpler to connect and talk with people.

I struggle, with thoughts that say you are too much. Its a perverted twist on the low self esteem version, of you are not enough. I watch Brene Brown Ted Talks a lot, which I mention a lot too, lol. In any event at one point she says people need to tell themselves they are enough. Well, I don't doubt I'm enough, I just think I'm too much. People really have to want to be my friend or lover. They'll have to deal with a lot. And when I'm alone, I get insecure, because I think I shouldn't ask people, shouldn't expect people to deal with so much. I need to be able to change, be better, be healthier, so I won't have to ask for so much help, and people won't have to give me so much support. When I'm alone, I'm haunted by this feeling.

I think, this is because although I recognize I have been through a lot, I shouldn't have been so effected by it because I have seen people go through much worse. It might also have to do with when I complained about my life as a child, my parents told me 'You don't even know pain, quit bitching'. And maybe thats why or maybe its not why I constantly think I should be stronger, I should be more resilient, my pasat shouldn't effect my relationships and friendships the way it does. But it does and it makes me feel ashamed, insecure, and desperately weak and sad. These feelings I hate, and well I only have them when I'm alone. So to avoid those feelings, I plan, call, text, and it even encourages my spontaneity (anything not to be alone).

Intense.... haha my blog has turned into emoRachel story time. The old angry Rachel would be so ashamed. Thats the other thing. Part of this has been brought on by grad school- I just feel like I spend A LOT of time alone as a grad student, so when I can cut down on the time alone I do. When I was a working gal, I actually cherished the time alone. I cherished going to the gym alone eve for awhile at least. I liked staying home alone and chilling the fuck out. Because I felt like I was always away from home, always doing things, so it was nice to sit at home alone occasionally. But this whole grad school shit, well I'm alone all damn day it feels like. Secondly, I've just been in an emotional place basically since I got MS. There is something about getting a disease that forever alters your imagination of your future. I no longer have any idea what my future will look like, or how my body will function in it. Part of knowing this, makes me insecure and it adds insult to injury I guess. I have always wanted to be strong, and many consider me as such. But it was my identity to be strong, strong spirited, strong headed, strong presence (you know the intimidating person) etc. But to me, MS is and was WEAKNESS. The opposite of who I thought I was. I think I still struggle with this. I still consider it weakness. I'll have to ask for help, I'll need help- and in fact I already often do. And even shit like the fact its hard for me to stay out till 2am now a days. I certainly can't do it with regularity- that makes me feel old, weak, and undesireable (as a friend, lover you name it) Who wants to travel or party with someone who needs to rest a lot?, who has to be vigilant about their breaks and rest?, who gets dizzy and can't see straight when their hot?, who needs to sleep 9 hours?. Like fuck. That sucks. And it makes me feel insecure, because a friendship with me is asking too much of someone, especially of someone young, i mean who wants to hang out with a bummer? So anyway. It's the MS I think that makes me overly emotional and pensive about EVERYTHING past, present, and future in my life.

But just like the 12 steps that they make alcoholics do. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I have MS, I'm traumatized, overly emotional for like the last two years, and struggling with it everyday. But i'm working on being okay. being present. being here. So here it goes. Someday I'll be okay with being alone, I'll be able to be like Tanaya and not be lonely when alone. Maybe someday I'll be able to make it a productive space like her too, rather than an emo sad place.

The Loneliness Challenge Day 1

Okay so I took a hiatus from my reading group...and I miss it like Woah. I just really enjoyed the group, the readings, and the weekly challenges. The weekly challenges though I have decided to continue with the great TanayaFuckingWinder. So we debated and debated about our challenge, but we settled on pushing our boundaries. For me, this meant being comfortable with and sitting with .... well myself and only myself. For Tanaya this meant the exact opposite... the end of hermitdom.

So this means that when Tanaya walks places she calls someone. For me it means I don't. For her it means coffee dates, dinner dates, and weekend plans. For me it means utter loneliness.. :P

Well at least thats what I imagined it to mean. So far I have two reflections....

One. My phone battery lasts WAAAAAAY longer. Thats a plus in my book, especially since I currently don't have a working phone charger.

Two. I want to learn to be more present. Even in my short little venture into loneliness...well I actually spent very little time alone, because I had a crazy busy day. But even through the busy day, I transitioned many times, and when normally I would pick up the phone, I opted not too and just sat with myself. It was in these moments, I thought this is nice being present. But I wasn't totally successful in fact at one point I was driving to my board meeting, thinking this is great learning to be present this is something I want more of in my life. I was thinking so hard about being present, I drove right past my turn, not just a little, but almost all the way into LaPorte. It was definitely my first lesson, teaching me that being present, also means not being consumed by your thoughts. It means being in the now. Focusing on what you are doing right then. I'm definitely going to be practicing this. I feel like i'm almost always present as a friend...I'm with you when I'm with you. It probably is about time that I started being with myself, when I'm with myself. Not to mention that I think this being present practice will probably also help with my slight problem...called obsession. I obsess about everything, re live, re imagine EVERYTHING. Being present being in the now, letting the past slip away and the future be, will help me stop obsessing. I hope at least.

Women, Wisdom, and Work

I am thankful I am a woman. Being a woman is intricately tied to the socialization of women. I'm not overly thankful I have breasts, or that they get objectified. But I am thankful that my gender is socialized to connect. Although I think there have historically, at least within the American context been negatives to the way women are conditioned to put relationships and others above their own happiness, health, and security. I think the basic focus of relationships, connection, and intimacy that women are conditioned to experience with frequency is at its base a good thing. It is these relationships, these networks of support that keep me sane. I have been thinking about vulnerability, for several months, maybe almost half a year, ever since I heard Rene Brown's Ted Talk. I struggled because I felt, I didn't practice vulnerability. But now 6 months later I look back and realize I always have. But I practice it only when I feel safe. I practice it with family, friends, and strangers but I don't practice it with partners. The family and friends I know won't leave me, the strangers, well I just don't care, and the partners I am terrified they will leave me. So I don't open up to people unless I know there is no real risk. Which was difficult for me to reconcile because largely vulnerability is associated with taking risk, showing your full self. I have come to understand that people find that scary, but I never have found it all that scary with family, friends, or strangers. I mean family, they're stuck with you, mine as well be honest right? Friends, if they leave you when you are being vulnerable it hurts, but damn....it makes them the asshole, and not worth your investment. Strangers, seriously who cares?

These realities have come to me in age. Everyday I feel like I am learning about myself more and more. I love it. I love getting older. I feel more content, more satisfied, more knowledgeable each and everyday. And what I really love? Is that the creator has sent me amazing friends, who are learning lessons with me. I have found almost every time I go through anything, one of my friends is learning the same lesson at the same time, or shortly after or shortly before. It is our connection, our relationship that helps us to talk through these lessons and learn ions more about ourselves and the world, than if we were to go it alone, to try to decipher the creators lessons by ourselves. It is this aspect of relationships though that I really love. Advice giving and seeking. Not only do I find a wide variety of advice useful in making my decisions. But I have discovered over the years that we often, give advice to ourselves, rather than to others. By this I mean, that if you listen to the advice people give you, you learn about them. You learn their stories, their struggles, their loves. I have learned more about my friends and family from the advice they give me than anything else. I have learned to love them through this process too. And beyond this, I've learned more about myself. I've learned what I fear and what I love.

It is understanding this, understanding my friends, and understanding myself that I have really come to want to lead an intentional life. For many years I felt as if I was moved a swayed like a rag doll, into other peoples passions and loves, I reacted to peoples pain, fear, love, happiness you name it. It has been a journey to work on myself, to become the person I want to be. This I feel will lead me to intentionality. To move beyond reaction. I struggle though now with becoming intentional but not rigid. To remain flexible, aware, and present in the world, but not reactive to it. I love this journey, and I'm thankful to all those that are on it with me, because with out you, it would be meaningless.

Journey to Self Improvement

I have often reflected on the statement, you must love yourself, I have always found it hard to comprehend. It wasn't hard to understand because I felt unworthy of love and had low self esteem, although after the rapes I did struggle with these feelings. It was on a more intellectual level that I found myself unable to understand, and comprehend what that would look like. I felt like I had many faults, undeserving of unconditional love, traits that need not be rewarded. There are so many things about myself I want to change and improve. In Oakland, people talked a lot about self improvement, I always thought it was kind of lame. In any event I had an aversion to it. But when I moved to Fort Collins I started to want to improve myself, to become the person I wanted to be.

I began with some reflection around my rapes. Trying to understand the emotional scars I had been left with. I then moved on to what I wanted to improve. I chose to focus on gratefulness as well as taking emotional risks. In general I felt like I wasn't thankful enough for the amazing friends, family, and life I have. At the same time, I don't take the risks necessary to fully connect with those I love. I tell everyone everything, but I rarely express how much it hurts. I rationalize and compartmentalize until I can intellectually understand the roots of my problems, but I rarely let myself feel them. When I see an impending situation that may hurt me, that I may not be able to control, I cut and run. This type of behavior prevents pain, but it also probably prevents happiness. I don't mean to say I am unhappy, in fact most days I'm happy most of the time. Yet there is something I think to emotional happiness, one that maybe feels different. Maybe not, but I'm going to try and find out.

The next chapter of my self development, came with my reading group. We decided to do weekly challenges, the first gratefulness- which I was already practicing, and the second awareness around our judgements. This second one has been intense for me. It has allowed myself insight into my being in a way that I have not previously had. I have learned that when I experience anger from my judgements, when I am drawn into a fight or desiring a fight. I have intense physical reactions, heat changes, and tensing. I learned that this particular reaction is caused from the judgements I make that when I examine them I find that they are about things that make me feel fear, shame, regret, and loss. Maybe it is my own desire to protect myself, that creates such a strong emotional and physical reaction. I also learned that when I judge and experience frustration rather than anger, my physical reaction is one of flight or dissonance, separatedness- These judgements are brought on when I have an intellectual disagreement with my judgements. When I am moved to inaction or freezing, it is often because I am judging myself, rendering myself incapable of letting go and having fun. Lastly, I connect judgement and compassion. There are times I discovered that I would express a 'fact' or statement about someone and others would interpret it as judgemental, but I recognized no feelings of judgement in my body. These I have come to realize are because very early on in my life I had to reconcile bad behavior with good people. Hatred and Love. Fear and Love. etc. Reconciling the fact that people I loved had done horrible things, allowed me from a young age to separate action from person. So my statements are not without a desire for improvements, but rather just said from an understanding that we are all on a journey... discovering our ways as we go.

I look forward to continuing my journey of self discovery and improvement, and encourage you to do it too. PS for a later blog, I have been reading a pretty racist anthropological book called the "Ecological Indian" I would like to put more intellectual thought into judgement's role in oppression and insecurity- I think they are linked.

Rape, Survival, and Compassion

For many years I was unable to call what happened to me rape. I would say I was taken advantage of. That felt more comfortable, more true. A rape I always assumed was violent at its core, bruises, pulled hair, and scars. Physical manifestations, not emotional ones. When I began to come to terms with the emotional bruises and scars, I became more able to call it rape.

It is when I became fully compassionate and forgiving that I came to call it rape more often than 'taken advantage of'. It may seem contradictory, to come to call an action rape through compassion. But it hasn't been for me. It is the naming of an action, it is the naming of the effects it had on me. It made me, and still does to an extent, feel unsafe, unloveable, and worthless in romantic encounters. It took me, a person that in most senses is truly happy and proud of the person I am becoming, forgiving of the misfaults, and enjoying the journey with few regrets- into an insecure, worthless feeling being. This is the key, in romantic situations it permeated my essence, mistakes I made or actions I made were not instances but considered my whole essence. This made me not full of regret or guilt, but of shame about who I was. These were my reaction to an action taken upon my body, and ultimately my soul.

Rape is an inherently violent act, emotionally, physically, mentally- but it affects both people, rather than just one. The perpetrator of rape, has done a violent act, but is not a bad person. When I truly understood and had compassion for their humanity, I found my own. I've been raped twice, and the only thing that they truly have in common, is my perpetrators pain. Both men, were in pain, either immediate or in general. Marginalized by the world, with lack of resources, control and power- something as men they were told they should have. But that wasn't their only pain, they too were in emotional pain.

They too were in pain.

They passed some of that pain to me. I'm not angry though, at this point I don't even know if I regret it. It's been a painful 5 years, but the clarity, the peace, and the love I feel now, I want to feel and I'm not sure I would have ever gotten here without the trauma. I am angry though, I suppose saying I'm not is a lie, I'm just not angry at them, the way the world tells me to be. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry that we blame victims of systemic and emotional violence, for their violent actions. This is not to say I excuse their behavior, I do not excuse my own. I do however, find it important to acknowledge their journey AND action rather than focusing on just one. Understanding, not acceptance or approval. I think truly, we are all just humans, trying to live our life the best way we know how- some of us have the skills to do better than others. I know even with all the blessed stability I have experienced in my life, in times of pain and suffering I have hurt people, and I wish I hadn't. But at the end of the day, we are all on a journey and hopefully we meet people along the way that can help us. I know I have- people, who do both good and bad things and at the end of the day are just people on their own journey.

Biology or Socialization

In my experience, people like to biologize our created realities. Today's blog is inspired from three sources- Octavia Butler's Book Lilith's Brood, NPR posting Can Men and Women Be Friends, and lastly from a radio lab New Baboon.

Lilith's Brood is a story about the end of the world, and the capture of humans by aliens for genetic breeding. Lilith is speaking with one of these aliens about destiny and humans, it makes the argument that humans have two characteristics diametrically opposed that inevitably led to their destruction.

'Then I suppose it would eventually have killed me.'(speaking about lilith's cancer)

'Yes, it would have. And your people were in a similar position. If they had been able to perceive and solve their problem, they might have been able to avoid destruction. Of course, they too would have to remember to reexamine themselves periodically'

'But what was the problem? You said we had two incompatible characteristics. What were they?'

Jdahya made a rustling noise that could have been a sigh, but that did not seem to come from his mouth or throat. 'You are intelligent,' he said. 'That's the newer of the two characteristics, and the one you might have put to work to save yourselves. You are potentially one of the most intelligent species we've found, though your focus is different from ours. Still, you had a good start in the life sciences, and even in genetics.'

'What is the second characteristic?'

'You are hierarchical. That's the older and more entrenched characteristic. We saw it in your closest animal relatives and in your most distant ones. It's a terrestrial characteristic. When human intelligence served it instead of guiding it, when human intelligence did not even acknowledge it as a problem, but took pride in it or did not notice it at all . . .' The rattling sounded again. 'That was like ignoring cancer. I think your people did not realize what a dangerous thing they were doing.'

'I don't think most of us thought of it as a genetic problem. I didn't. I'm not sure I do now'. Her feet had begun to hurt from walking so long on the uneven ground. She wanted to end both the walk and the conversation. The conversation made her uncomfortable. Jdahya sounded . . . almost plausible.

'Yes,' he said, 'intelligence does enable you to deny facts you dislike. But your denial doesn't matter. A cancer growing in someone's body will go on growing in spite of denial. And a complex combination of genes that work together to make you intelligent as well as hierarchical will still handicap you whether you acknowledge it or not.'

I think this passage is beautiful and profoundly deep. Behaviors in present debates are often essentialized to biology. The question can men and women be friends and the question of whether war will ever end (the inspiration for the new baboon piece). Are questions that grapple with equality, respect, and difference. They grapple with a lived reality that has been deliberately created through choices, not a past that has been enslaved to biology.

What Octavia Butler grapples with is this debate on a macro scale. She removes it from action and behavior and places the core essence, belief, or as she states here gene that often creates and promotes inequality, disrespect and difference as the main culprit. Although I do not believe hierarchy is genetic- many peoples throughout history have not been hierarchical. I do believe that when examining situations, we often narrow our scope rather than expand it.

The question about whether or not men and women can be friends, is not a question of evolution. It is rather a question about, how have men and women been taught to interact? What role does patriarchy and hetero privilege play on male and female relationships? These are the questions surrounding hetero male and female relationships, not the primal desire to fuck.

Which brings me to the baboons. A massive change in culture is experienced by these Baboons in Africa. Its an interesting and fascinating report but it leaves me with a lot of questions. Did the baboons stay at the dump after the tb outbreak? Staying at the dump after the outbreak, means the removing of aggressive males, while maintaing adequate access and abundance of resources, in times of plenty it is much easier to change and maintain changes of culture- we can look to our own human history for proof of this. What mechanisms of community accountability where in place when alpha males no longer took community policing into their individual hands, how did distributions of power change, etc, etc. Even in the case of the bamboons, the question to me is about resources, power, and control.

How can we remove ourselves from such intense investigations on particular experiences, that deny systemic or overall realities? Once we are able to use our intelligence to be not only self reflective, but community-reflective, is the day we may be able to overcome the cancerous cells that are killing us.