Body Image

I'm not big on the feminism thing. I don't mean this in terms of disagreeing with feminism or thinking it is invalid. I mean this in terms purely as its not my thing, sort of how being tidy is also not my thing. I appreciate and honor the women who have fought for it, but it is not the frame I use to analyze the world with, but recently I have been inspired by a personal trainer at 24 hr fitness asking me repeatedly if I want to work out to lose weight. I'm not sure but the obsession with skinny would probably be within the feminist realm.

I will start with the trainer. His insistence on posing this question to me over and over again in different ways, is truly heart breaking and probably the reason so many Americans are fat. I work out because I want to feel good, I want to feel my body work ( I don't like feeling like an amorphous blob) and because I'm disabled (I don't work out now and create healthy habits I will most likely be confined to a wheel chair within the next 15 years). I have told the trainer this on multiple occasions but it seems as if he cannot believe it. Which leads me to the conclusion that he has never heard anyone else (esp a woman) say it. Hating your body is a waste of time. I definitely understand why people hate their bodies, and I have spent some of my life dwelling on my big ass and my fat thighs, but plain and simple it is a waste of brain space. I think about what I eat, when I eat, and how often I'm working out all the time. But the frame in which I think about it is different. I think our consuming glutenous society is disgusting. I think a society that sits on its asses, and eats all day is disgusting. I think these are disgusting attributes not simply because I think they are lazy but because a society composed of individuals that do these things is not composed of a society that is actively engaged in loving and caring for one another, nor creating art, or even interacting with one another. Nothing good can come from it. The consumption creates a society used to getting what they want right that second, and a society that wants wants wants. This just doesn't work for the world in general, plants don't grow right away, neither do children , nor animals. It is unnatural and should be avoided in my opinion.

But I digress. The point is that we have created a society in which half of it spends a whole lot of time self loathing. This is not only sad because its shitty to hate yourself, but because they could be thinking about other things like the cure to cancer. Plain and simple they would be better to be around if they loved themselves and the way they look. They would be nicer, more confident, and did I mention they might be curing cancer (or any of the other million problems that plague this world). In any event, seems like an urgent problem to me although the solution seems difficult, since it is not something concrete like systematic change, this one requires we change the way we treat and think about one another, an active shift in culture....

Grassroots Fundraising

What does it mean to raise money? Why raise money from individuals, especially poor individuals if there are foundations and rich people out there? Why not take from the rich and give to the poor? Isn't it anti-capitalist to take money from the rich and use it to fund our struggles?

These sentiments are just plain disturbing to me.

Grassroots fundraising to me is about ownership and empowerment. We live in a society that is controlled by the rich because they are rich. There is nothing radical, revolutionary, or even honorable about begging at their feet and competing with one another for their attention. That is only to get the money in the first place, once we get it, they have the right to set what "success" is in our community, and even ask us to do work the way they think it should be done.

Alternatively we could fund our own organizations. What's the difference? Wide based ownership and involvement in our work- because we do not have a lot of money, all of us would have to contribute albeit smaller contributions. With wide based ownership comes collective responsibility and true accountability to our community rather than a few rich folks. No one has unequal power, if someone decides the organization, work, and members no longer reflect their values they do not have the power to completely cripple nor shut down entire programs. There is also a recognition that we can not all do social justice nonprofit organizational work, but we are all involved in the struggle and can contribute to that struggle through different means. This is at its heart radical and revolutionary, it is truly taking control and power over our lives and outcomes. It is a clear statement that we can control our destinies and we will. When we are asking for money, we are not asking for money. We are asking for collective responsibility we are asking you, will you be part of the solution and change rather than the problem?

Grad School

How do express your life in a few pages? How do you convey that you deserve this education and that person does not? That you are the better candidate? Especially if you hold a belief that all people deserve and education if they want one?

I'm struggling to pick the experiences in my life that have truly created who I am today.

Injections and Disability

Today is my second day on Copaxone. I'm afraid of needles, but they have a nifty little thing called the autoject, that hides the needles from me. I didn't believe them when they said you don't feel the needle go in, but its true you don't feel it. You do however feel the intense burning sensation from the medicine for about 15-20 minutes, and I have about a 2inch welt for about 15 hours after the injection that is hot to the touch. Other than that though, I do not have any other side effects like the itching, and hopefully I wont get any of the panic attacks or weight gain either.

I was thinking this morning on my way to work, I have never done ANYTHING for more than maybe a month everyday. This medicine is a life long commitment, everyday for the rest of my life, I can't even really comprehend that. I'm so forgetful and I hope that I can be consistent and take it everyday! Interestingly, as I was walking to work I saw a blind woman, crossing the road. I have lived my life as an able bodied person, and inherently no matter how hard I have tried, I have always "felt bad" or wanted to "avoid" the disabled on one level or another. So today when I saw the blind woman, I watched to make sure she crossed the street okay, and for the first time did not feel these feelings. Rather I thought about how one day I could also be partially blind. I wondered where she was going and if I would have the strength to one day also walk places even if I could not see.

Which led me to thinking once again how absolutely fascinating this disease is. It is not like I can focus on preparing myself for some inevitable level of disability, or even a certain type of disability. This disease actually has the ability to blind me, make me lose my balance, make me numb, make me feel constant pain or tingling etc etc. We have 5 senses touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste. My disease can screw with ALL of them. On top of that it can mess with memory. Utterly depressing, and hard to prepare for... to say the least.

The week I found out I 'may' have MS, was one of the hardest weeks of my life. For the first time, I had to truly recognize that my interaction, my dreams, my hopes, where going to be limited by my own body. At least that is how I felt, and it was devastating. Truly though, I won't be limited by my body, but rather a society that does not make space for a body such as mine. This isn't to much of a surprise considering it doesn't make much space for anyone but white men....

I was always interested in abelism, and now I will really have to start taking it up as something to bring into awareness, and to make sure if we ever reach some sort of equality, that it is truly for all of us, not just some of us.

The "Human Experience"

We are so vastly different, so much so in fact I do not have the language to express it. I think two experiences have specifically shaped this reality for me, going to college and getting MS.

I went to Stanford University, for a number of reasons, at the top of the list though was the fact that Stanford has one of the largest Native populations for its caliber of education. I am Yaqui, Apache, Mexican, and White (if you don't know already), and I grew up in a predominately white town. For reasons that we will not go into today, I have always been passionate about racial inequality. Since the time I was probably 8 or 9 I have been talking about inequality and racism. So when I went to college I wanted to A) get as far away from Colorado as possible, and B) be around other people of color, specifically Natives. I went to college because I felt that it was vital that the world change, and it was my duty as a participant privileged enough to think about college to go and try and make some positive changes.

So I went to school, and I was astonished at what I found. As a young naive 18 year old, I thought being a person of color = being radical. But of course I found that this was not true; I felt betrayed, sad, and frustrated. I could not understand why everyone hadn't come to the same conclusions I had at a younger age, "the world is racist and fucked up". Eventually as I adjusted to school, I found more patience and love than I could have ever imagined. For those who know me, this may be a laughable idea, since most would not consider me loving and patient :P but I found more than I had had before, that's for sure! In reality though, the Native community at Stanford taught me a true diversity, that I will forever appreciate. From eccentric individual personalities to huge variations on political, religious, and cultural beliefs.

Now I must not have learned enough the first time, because the Creator sent me another lesson on diversity. For whatever dumb reason, I thought I would start talking to people with MS and there would be certain "given" rules. Everyone would have similar advice, there would be an accepted way to deal with the disease, I could incorporate the advice and move on. Well clearly this is in no way true. I have spoken on the phone with 2 people who have MS, and officially after my first injection last night (Started my meds- they're a trip!) I met in person a woman (my nurse) who has had MS for 35 years. Let me just say that their advice is all so very different that it almost leaves me in the same place I was before asking for it.

In reality these differences in advice, probably have to do with entirely different lives, coping mechanisms, cultures, and knowledge. But what struck me as originally responsible was the disease itself. MS is a disease that essentially is entirely unknown. What I mean by that is that it is random; random in time, random in symptoms, random in progression, random in levels of disability. It would seem near impossible to build solidarity on anything other than the random aspect. Which I think lends itself to driving everyone a little nuts. There seems to be a lot of fanaticism with MS, everybody swears by something. It's interesting, I don't know if I can articulate it more. I'm excited to learn from this community whatever it is I am to learn. A little upset the Creator choose to put me in a predominately white community, but maybe its to help be get over all my issues :P

Giving

"Its Better to give than not to"

I think there is a fallacy to this statement. I think that it is important to not be selfish, it is important to realize that you are not an individual in this world but rather a community member, but I think it can potentially be harmful to just give... I personally feel it is important to give with analysis. This is something I thought a lot about over Christmas (the time of giving..otherwise known as commercialism) but it came up for me recently because of Haiti.

To give with analysis is of utmost importance, especially if you are giving in a community that is not your own. I think my worry is that one can deny culpability when they "give". People can deny a communal responsibility to make this world a better place, by saying they are already participating in the process by giving, when in reality they are replicating systems of oppression.

The example that occurred to me during Christmas was related to US churches in foreign countries: Say there is a church in a small village that many Americans donate to because they support the missionary work being done, be it building homes, cleaning water, or providing other essentials. Over the years the church has not only the ability to forever alter the community/culture, but to insert itself as a powerful influence in community decisions. Rendering the community disempowered. Trying to make decisions that are best for the community but also simultaneously do not make the church "mad".

The example that comes to mind now, is Haiti. The fear I have for Haiti is that a truly revolutionary country, will once again be colonized through the increased giving of the West. The US and the west will gain more of a foothold in Haitian politics and policies. We have already begun to militarize the country. The American Cross has food and other resources it is keeping in areas that are less destroyed for fear of entering the "dangerous" parts. These are just entirely problematic to me. Had all the money donated to Haite gone to more progressive and revolutionary groups the recovery from this horrible earthquake would not have negative ramifications for decades to come.

Which brings me to service giving in general. I have issues with service giving that I have yet to be able to sort out. I am not referring to that of natural disaster giving as is the case with Haiti, but more along the lines of other service giving such as clothes, building things, water etc. I have a problem with the fact that they do very little skills building or leadership development. The other issue I have is that it replicates and maintains an existing power structure-- inherently there are those 'giving' and 'receiving'. In reality I think all service, should be recognized as part of a collective struggle to better our society and lives. We are not disconnected from one another but we have a philosophy especially in this country that successfully convinces us that we are.

Some thoughts, even after writing about it, I don't know how I feel. It is important to give, and feel compassion and act on that in a way that is selfless, but at the same time, we have to strive for a more analytical and aware way to give.

Blessed

My mother always told me to be good to people, to do good things, because it will come back to you.

So when I got diagnosed with MS for a fleeting second, I was a little upset. Not that I thought illness didn't happen to good people, but rather I felt like I had a life plan. A life plan that was not about selfishness, success, or money; but rather to help my community and to create positive change. I thought; this will make it harder to make those changes, this inhibits me from making the changes that I want to make. I thought, this is the exact opposite of what my mother told me, this is a bad bad thing, maybe I am not a good person.

It was not until yesterday that I realized its not about what happens to you, because lets face it we all have our battles. But rather its about the support that you get from your family, friends, and community in facing those battles, while continuing to live, struggle, and change. I have realized in no uncertain terms these last few weeks that I am loved, and that support extends beyond your immediate network. I have received kind words and prayers from people I do not know, but rather know my friends or family. This if anything makes me feel deeply blessed to be part of the network I am.

I did not realize the extent to which I was loved until I became sick, and somehow this sickness has transformed and reinvigorated me in ways I never knew it could. I pray that everyone realizes their networks, because chances are they are big and full of love :)

I have MS, able-ism

It has been an interesting journey the last few weeks. I was diagnosed with MS on January 22, 2010. I have been living with this diagnosis for less than a week, and living with the possibility of it for about a month. I am so new to this disease, and so new to no longer being able to live my life thinking "I will always be able bodied".

I always had an interest in abelism, I always tried to challenge my own able bodied assumptions and privilege, but I realize now I had no idea. I go places now, and I think, I won't be able to enjoy this the same in the future. Everywhere, is made for able bodied people, I only really have realized that since I have been forced to think about it. In the last three weeks I have been to the beach, farmers markets, walking around town, gardening, hiking, malls, meditation, yoga, public transportation and the gym, and everywhere I have been I have had to face a sadness and mourn the fact that unlike other people I know, I will not always be able to enjoy these things the way I can now.

The reality is the world is not made to be friendly to those whom are disabled. I suppose I knew this in a loose sense, but not to the extent I see it now. I still know if from a body that is working fine, minus whats going on in my brain... My immune system is working hard, at trying to make me disabled, for the rest of my life. Sometimes that is hard to deal with.